Tidal

A thousand things are running through my mind right now, and I’m also exhausted. I need to make money, I need stability and I need money. I think of projects and long shots when what I should probably do is get a real job. Last month I made 2 grand and it was awesome and this month I’ve made nothing. That’s not a sustainable lifestyle, and I know it. I just don’t know what I’m doing and what the hell would I even do? So instead I work on long shot projects and think about how cool it would be if one of them turned fruitful. Speaking of shit like that I should make an etsy account… like… right now. *does it* Dude, I feel so exhausted right now. I did a *lot* of physical activity today, which felt really good but I’m definitely tired. I went to the gym, and did Cardio Roundabout(tm) which is where I do four different cardio things for five minutes each, and switch between them really quickly before my heart rate has a chance to slow down. I actually did the treadmill twice, alternating between walking and jogging. Running feels good to me now, which is fucking awesome. I also did some weight machines, yeah. Anyway, after that I rode my bike to the store, and then rode all around. I really like riding my bike, it’s efficient and nice and fun. I feel oddly… free? when I arrive at the store with nothing but my bike and my backpack. Also, it’s sorta fun / challenging to shop knowing that I can only get as much stuff as will fit into my backpack.  So yeah, a few minutes after I got back from my ride my brother asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him and his dog and I said sure and did that. I wish I had a really good sports bra, or that a really good sports bra for boobz this size existed and didn’t cost like $200. Buuuuut whateva. Not gunna worry about that right now. I’m working on a (sort of) creative writing project. It’s weird and it feels so fucking silly, honestly. I feel incredibly silly while I’m writing it, like who the fuck do I think I am? Who the fuck do I think I’m kidding with this shit? I dunno, I just feel ridiculous… but at the same time it’s like… I literally have the entire plot laid out, and it’s exactly what it needs to be for what it is, and that never fucking happens, I never manage to do that. Soooo apparently I’m going for it. We’ll see what happens. I’m so rusty at writing this type of thing. Like… I’m having a hard time just describing things in a convincing way. I’m writing a little fight scene right now, like a tiny physical altercation and it’s … hard??? for me??? I miss working on music stuff. I would like to do some of that soon. Make a new song. I think Michael would like that too. Let’s see… what else is happening? I dunno. Lots of shit. Lots of shit I’m really stressed about. Mainly money related stuff. Everything is expensive, and pressing, and scary. But hey, it just started raining. And hey, maybe I can start selling my dirty panties on the internet! And hey, maybe my custom made jewelry featuring real shed snake skin will totally take off on Etsy. And hey, maybe my mom found a true historical treasure buried in an old suitcase. And hey, maybe I’ll eek out a living writing quick and dirty romance novels Harlequin style. Shit, it’s suddenly almost 4am. I should go the fuck to sleep. My sleep schedule has been pretty ridiculous lately, and I’d like to do something about that as well in the near future? possibly?? maybe?? whatever. My body feels lithe and alive and sore and tired, so hopefully my mind will be cool and let me sleep. Peace.

Self charm

These days all blend together
into a puree of yes and no
drug yourself to sleep with pills
drug yourself awake with caffeine
Self care under cold water
washing it all off
mine own self,
be true
resist the pull
of your dark mind
take nothing to your skin
no sharps or shards
no pins or palms
It is not for you to choose
matters into hands
and quickly out of hand
you know it
Breathe slow bite lip instead
let morning you live
In peace and not regret

Behind the curtain

Yesterday was the show. It happened. It’s over. It wasn’t a monstrosity. The audience turnout was smaller than we hoped for, but it is what it is. The show itself was beautiful, and our live music elements went okay, even though we had some issues with the microphones. Quite a few people said we sounded just like our album, which is a pretty big compliment. The performers were all super on point, and talented, and beautiful, and amazing. There are tons of pictures going around on facebook and stuff and I’m in a lot of them and I just like can’t even deal with seeing that at all. It makes me feel so fucking gross and bad about myself to see. Like… I absolutely can’t deal with it at all, which makes me sad for a slew of reasons and yeah. whatever.

Anyway, it was such a chaotic day, from start to finish. We had two hours to set up the venue before the show started, and we basically had to do **everything**. The place used to be / sort of still is a bar, and we had to move out allllll the tables and arrange the seating in a way that everyone could see the show with enough performance space left open. We were hoping that the people at the venue would have done some of the setup, but they did not. Sadie, the person basically running the entire show totally lost her voice, and could **not** speak above a whisper at all. Anyway, I somehow became in charge of setting up all the seating, so i moved a ton of couches and chairs and shit, and told other people what to do, and had occasional whispered conferences with Sadie to make sure everything was okay. (My costume for the show was a random circus hand, and I felt like I was really getting into character by moving a ton of heavy shit.) We also had to put up the aerial fabrics, which involved a giant ladder and was pretty epic. Anyway, it sucked that we had to be responsible for all that stuff, and we didn’t really have enough time to properly set up our music equipment, which is why the microphones were kinda fucked up. But oh well.

My brother and I had a thermos full of honey tea, and a thermos full of whiskey so we could be slightly un-sober when we had to perform. We shared our whiskey with a couple of the darlings and some of our friends as well. Everyone was amused by it. I’m glad that so many people I know made it there.

It was pretty fun collaborating with all of these artists and performers, and just hanging out with them. The members of Clan Tynker were all awesome. Just really cool and really nice and really professional. They’re kind of a big deal, you can look them up online. One of the performers, Serendipity was so fucking amazing and ethereal. She did fire eating to one of the songs we sang live, and it was pretty rad. Anyway, I met her during rehearsal a few days ago and she seemed really nice and … fairly normal? But yesterday she was in costume and in character the whole time and she just blew my mind basically. She hardly talked at all. She asked me if I wanted her to help me move tables by pointing at a table and then flexing her muscles. “Um… sure, if you want to!” I said in return. During the pre-show she was walking around blowing bubbles and doing tricks like blowing bubbles inside bubbles. Then she would walk up to someone, blow a ton of bubbles, and grab one as they floated down. Then she’d open her hand and hand the person a tiny clear ball… like the bubble made solid. It was weirdly magical, and you felt so blessed and special when she gave you one. It was hard to describe. She like… transcended mere humanity. And then the show was over and she was human again, and we talked to her and hugged her and talked about being mutual fans of each other.

God, the whole night was just so much. So many people wanting to talk to me and hug me and it was sorta overwhelming. We gave away a bunch of copies of our album, and made about $120 in donations… which we split. That’s the first money I’ve ever actually seen from our music, lol. A few people wanted us to sign them, but we didn’t have a sharpie, because we are stupid and didn’t think of that. Someone found a shitty brown permanent marker and we ended up using that.

It was so weird being up on the stage and just… being. I basically opened the whole show with a somewhat dramatic introduction. I didn’t tell my parents I was going to be doing that and they were pretty surprised. yeah. It was weird watching the show take place from that perspective, you know? You probably don’t know. You almost certainly didn’t know. It was bizarre and lovely to see all this physical art taking place because of music we created, set to music we created.

At the end of the show Santiago (the ringmaster guy, one of the Tynkers) announced all of the performers, basically calling everyone out in groups to take a bow. He called us last, “the band” and we got the loudest applause of anyone. Roaring and cheering. I bowed and my brother did a well executed curtsy. (I showed him how to do it, we practiced in advance)

After the show was over, and we talked to a million people, and gave out CDs and buttons, and hugged and thanked a million people and accepted accolades from lots of people (A lady I had never met but my brother apparently knew: “My husband always says that he thinks the female voice on the album is beautiful, so he was really excited when you sat down by the piano” Me: *internally* holy shit. *externally* “Wow, thank you so much! I’m so glad you liked the show” *puts my hands together in a praying / begging gesture for some inexplicable reason* )and everyone left, and we packed up aaaallllll of our tons of equipment, and took the aerial fabrics back down, a few of us went over to the nob hill location of the brewery my brother is the head brewer for. (They were serving his beer during the show as well, and everyone was really liking it) Anyway, we all went there and he basically gave everyone free beer and food, which was rad. It was my family plus some of the darlings and their significant people, and a few miscellaneous others. It was really pretty fun and chill. I talked to a really cool *two ladies* couple, made them laugh a bunch of times.

Elija, one of the Tynkers came and joined us as well. He said he quit drinking a few years ago, but he had some of the kombucha that my brother made, and he hung out with us. During the pre-show he was juggling pins while zipping around on a “hoverboard” and I asked him questions about how long it took him to learn to ride that thing, etc. He was messing around with us and doing some simple magic tricks, he did some coin tricks and one of the coolest card tricks I’ve ever seen in my entire life. When it was past closing time my brother let all the other employees go home, and everyone hung out a little longer. Eventually he and I closed the place up and headed home. On the drive home we were pretty quiet. Neither of us quite knew what to say, quite knew how to process it all.

All day today I’ve felt…. so fucking weird, and kinda bad. Depressed I guess. I feel empty. This event has consumed nearly all my waking thoughts for the past month or more, and in a matter of hours it was all over. What should I do with my life now? I feel empty, like I’ve lost something. It was in all my thoughts and making me so nervous, but it was something. It was something different, something exciting. Something real and artistic, a collaboration with people I really like. And now it’s done, and I feel pretty lost. But, we met our parents for dinner a couple hours ago, to re-cap and re-hash and talk about life… and that made me feel a little bit better about everything. I’m granting myself an extra night of drinking, because I feel I’ve earned that wine. I’m going to try and relax, and just let myself be for the evening. Much love.

Image 1: the $61 I got from people who chose to donate something when they took an album. I had to spend it immediately, but I wanted a picture to remember that it existed, that it happened.

img_20160529_214308952.jpg

Image 2: Serendipity

serendipity 2

bags of 5 cent goldfish

Besides my usual anxiety about money and work and stuff, so far I feel better today than I have in a little minute. My brother and I just had our second official rehearsal for our live show that is happening in 21 days. It went really well, and we’ve pretty much got one of the 3 songs we’re doing live down. You guys can listen to it if you’re curious. (no seriously… you should listen to it)

It’s a cute, upbeat little ukulele song about having fun, and drinking, and setting fish free, and my fear of being trapped in my corpse after I die, and getting buried and still being trapped in my corpse in my coffin and being aware of my own body’s slow decomposition! It’s a lot of fun. You guys should listen to it.

Let’s see… what else? I guess that’s all I really want to say on here right now. I’m going to go row, and then shower, and that’s basically the extent of my plans for the moment. I haven’t used my rowing machine in like… almost two weeks? I’ve been going to the gym all the freaking time instead, which is cool, but I’ve kinda missed rowing and right now seems like a good time to go for it. yeah. cool. okay. bye.

untitled (drunken poetry series)

Whipping wicked wind
kicking up stinging dust
but you still have to sleep
you still have to pay it all
with your cards and seeds
your leg and your tongue
dripping soft syllables
oh,
but soft what light
what soft white light
so smooth the call and
slick the clutching wire
it is the hour of wild sky
the handsbreadth of reality
you breathe it all and I
love you

the house of eternal return

hahahaholy fucking shit. Oh my god. Aces day. Aces fuckng day. what a great day to be me and to be alive and to be alive as me. what an insane intense day. honestly, meow wolf, santa fe, one of the coolest fucking things that I have ever seen in my entire baby life. and god i want so save it all, to add it all to my eternal memory…. but fuck. jesus fucking christ. the art exibit alone was so fucking mind blowing and we spent nearly two hours in there. Going and seeing and every turn is something and “look for hidden doors” he says to me, and in the next room I find the best one. The best one. The coolest fucking one… and he never would have thought of it. But then there was the show too. And I want to remember every fucking second of it… but I know that just isn’t how it goes. haha. we were so fucking close. Standing room, almost front row, one person in front of us. and people on the balconies, but they aren’t balconies. they are the house, the house of eternal return and they are rooms and they are looking down but we are down, we are there and she is singing the things that make my heart go go go go go alive hahah wow. right there. right there so close to my face and I listen and I am alive. She jokes and banters and talks to us and I am alive. It is the smallest venue. It is the perfect venue. But when it is over we mill around to meet her, and we are afraid, so we let others go, but eventually our time comes, and we hand her our fucking album, and tell her the reason why, and she takes it, and she hugs us, and she touches my arm, gently and deliberately. and omy breath it goes it goes it’s here I’m alive. I’m alive and it’s all real and it’s so real and it’s happening and everything happens. this moment is something and mine and I speak. But soft. And we leave, and see that she is still honding our album in her hands, and that is an image for me to keep in my mind. That is an image for me. and forever. Ha. fuck. there’s so much more. so many tiny beautiful things. We sat on the floor and stood and spun, and screamed, and sung, and the tuning, and the lyrics, and the words and oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. But it’s impossible for me to record so and I kept it real as it happened. FOr me and for me and it’s only a one time thing. it happened and I was there and I was alive and I was brave in a real way. A way that matters and happens and does. yes.